Tip from Christiana Gaudet on Pain

Irina Iriser@iriser

How Pain Behaves

Physical and emotional pain are part of our human experience. We all deal with pain. Some of us experience it chronically. Sometimes past trauma leaves pain that is present every day.

Some of us are able to find relief and healing over time. Some aren’t able to be healed. Some can’t even find a way to try, or to hope for relief.

Pain, whether physical, emotional, or both, often causes secondary trauma. People who are in pain often behave badly. They say things they don’t mean. They act out of character in ways that harm themselves, and others.

Very often, pain is the root cause of abuse. No matter how compassionately we might feel toward an abuser’s pain history, or how well we may understand this root cause, we need to set boundaries to protect ourselves from their behavior.

We need to remember there is a difference between an excuse and a reason. An excuse holds the abuser without responsibility. A reason helps us, and the abuser, understand their process and, perhaps, to find healing.

Very often pain causes people to behave in unfortunate ways that stop short of abuse but are still unpleasant. Sometimes those we love will show us their pain in clumsy ways when they really just need a hug, a shoulder or an ear. When this happens, we need to see their pain and respond to it, rather than to judge their behavior.
Sometimes we behave badly because of the pain we are feeling. It’s important to be able to acknowledge our behavior without trying to excuse it. We must ask for forgiveness and understanding and show gratitude to those who are able to bring us comfort.

The ability to seek the comfort of others, and to find comfort for ourselves, is a skill that not everyone has. Self-comforting is a skill that can be hard to develop. Very often, poor self-comforting skills lead to addictions and other difficulties. This is another way that pain manifests in harmful behaviors.
Pain can be a teacher. Pain can force us to heal and to grow. When we are able to find ways to control our pain, through meditation, medication, or other methods, we take away pain’s ability to control us. When we can find joy in spite of pain, we discover our strength.

Pain provides us with an opportunity to find, develop, and employ our compassion, for others and for ourselves.
—Christiana Gaudet